


Contradictions

by makuroshi



Series: Eruri 100 Themes [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Basically just me wanting to write emotionally distressed Erwin, Eruri 100 themes, Hurt/Comfort, Levi trusting his man so much, Love/Hate, M/M, Mention of headcanons, Mentions of sex and teasings, OTP Feels, Some Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-29
Updated: 2013-10-29
Packaged: 2017-12-30 20:57:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1023297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makuroshi/pseuds/makuroshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi hates how Erwin is so good at keeping his emotions in check, because for him, when it comes to Erwin, nothing stays in check anymore. #18 - Love</p>
            </blockquote>





	Contradictions

There is a thin line between love and hate, and for Erwin and Levi’s case, the line proves to be very, _very_ thin.

 

For Levi, his love is symbolized by his unprecedented loyalty. The trust he has in Erwin is solid and unyielding, even more so than the other devoted members of the Scouting Legion. It runs deep, strengthened by years and years of teamwork, fortified by numerous instances in which Erwin’s decisions had been right, and reinforced by the fact that Erwin, _only Erwin_ , is able to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders and still think with a rational mind.

 

It soothes him to know that there’s someone out there who’s trusted with such a dire responsibility, with humanity’s future itself. It calms him to know that there’s a person who is put on a much higher pedestal than him -who’s already burdened with the title of humanity’s strongest soldier- and so Levi chooses to trust this man.

 

Erwin is the one who trusted Levi first; this much is known to others. It was Erwin who had painstakingly polished this raw, precious diamond, but really, there was not much to be polished anyway. Levi is an exceptionally skilled soldier. The whole three-dimensional perception and maneuver came naturally to him, so did the ability to kill without hesitation. The only thing that needed amendment was his brash attitude; that took quite a lot of effort.

 

No one had enough trust in a scum coming from the Underground to actually spare a second glance, but Erwin did.

 

And for that, Levi is thankful.

 

“Come,” Erwin had said, one strong arm extended in an inviting gesture and silky blonde locks still ridiculously perfect even under the rain. “I will give you the wings you have always wanted.”

 

The wings of freedom; that was what Erwin had offered. Levi stared at the insignia embedded in the front of Erwin’s uniform and wondered how it would look like on him.

 

Levi never regrets taking that slightly calloused hand in his, even if it leads to death.

 

There are many other things about Commander Erwin Smith that makes Levi love him so much to be willing to give up his life for him. _Little_ _things_ , like the childish side Erwin shows only to him on lazy mornings when both are reluctant to depart with the warmth of their significant other, and the neat, careful way he ties the cravat for him while humming softly. There’re also the affectionate light touches Erwin gives when they meet in the hallway and the way Erwin walks upright with his broad chest and shoulders firm, sharp cerulean eyes gazing forward with flashing determination like nothing can bring him down.

 

That is one of the things Levi loved about him. Literally nothing can shake Erwin’s grounds, or make him flinch away in fear.

 

Erwin Smith is a brave man, and Levi is more than happy to know that the brave heart belongs to him, despite the daily salute of offering it to the king. 

* * *

 

Things that Levi hate about Erwin, on the other hand, is lesser in number, but almost equal in intensity.

 

Erwin’s monstrous height is one of them, and it’s ranked quite highly in the list, too. No one should be allowed to be that tall, Levi thinks, but he had seen the new recruits from the 104th who came to join the Scouting Legion. One of the brats is like a fucking walking tower, so by comparison, Erwin’s height is relatively quite alright.

 

He still hates it nonetheless, when Erwin lifts him up so easily and holds him tightly around the waist, leaving his legs to dangle hopelessly a few inches above the ground. Erwin is particularly fond of kissing him like this, and Levi hates how it makes his heart slam against his ribcage every single time. He should have gotten used to it by now, but try as he might, his heartbeat will still increase tenfold when Erwin holds him close in a strong embrace. He figures that it might have something to do with Erwin’s sweet alluring scent, but Levi remembers that Mike remarked that Erwin has _no scent whatsoever._

 

Their 28cm difference also makes it difficult for Erwin to enter him when they’re having sex (or making love, as Erwin calls it) unless Levi lays down on a higher surface to give some leverage and elevation. Levi hates that too because that means they cannot try some of the positions he had taken an interest in.

 

But Erwin makes it up with his fast, hard and _oh so accurate_ poundings that make Levi scream and see stars, snow, auroras and all things delusional, so all is well.

 

Sometimes, Levi tries to turn the tables around and have the upper hand. He teases Erwin in official meetings, rubbing the sole of his boots impishly against the middle of Erwin’s crotch and snaking his mischievous hands under the table to do _things._ He hopes for Erwin to choke on his water and let out a moan, or maybe even blush furiously until Nile questions what’s wrong, but usually there’s none of that sort. If he’s lucky -that is, if Erwin partially gets in the mood- he will get as much as a distracted cough or a barely audible grunt, but nothing more. When in the privacy of their shared bedroom, however, Erwin lets it all out, animalistic desire lashed out for Levi to taste, to see, to _feel_.

 

Levi hates how Erwin is so good at keeping his emotions in check, because for him, when it comes to Erwin, nothing stays in check anymore.

 

One thing that is always -and forever will be- on top of the things Captain Levi hates about Commander Erwin Smith, is the man’s hypocrisy.

 

It goes without saying that the spirit of the soldiers is the core for their survival. Everybody knows that those who joined the military, particularly the Scouting Legion, are bound to die. It is just a matter of when, and how. Some are luckier than the rest, being able to return from a mission and die on a comfy hospital bed after seeing the faces of their beloved, but most suffer a terrifying death at the hands of the titans, cremated instantly in a mortifyingly large bonfire to avoid an epidemic breakout, their names forgotten and their memories a history. It’s either that, or their bodies are never found, left in the woods to decay and succumb to the laws of nature, their names listed as ‘missing in action’ that is, in reality, just another way of saying ‘dead’.

 

Erwin, for one, knows this better. He is fully aware of how the death of their comrades affects his men, how bits of the soldiers’ strength and willpower chip away with every life that falls and how the dark circles under their lethargic eyes worsen with each passing sleepless night. After all, he is the one behind the drawn plans and strategies, and no matter how carefully they are laid out, the death toll still remains too high for humanity to bear.

 

So Erwin bears it all for them. It eats him away; every failed mission did, as did every insult, curse and question directed to him, but he tries to manage.

* * *

 

“How will you explain the deaths this time, Commander Erwin?” An angry voice resounds from the mass of people gathering along the pebbled roads. The number of soldiers returning is far too little, making this mission one with the highest fatality rate thus far.

 

“Is this really what it takes? Thousands of lives for the sake of your selfish mission?” Another voice follows, this time more loud and demanding. “Those expeditions are just mass suicides!”

 

The sounds of the tired horses’ hooves thumping on the ground and the wooden carriages’ wheels dragged along are overshadowed by infuriated yells.

 

“Where’s my son?!” A grieving mother lurches forwards from the crowd to grab at Commander Erwin’s blood-stained sleeves. “Give my son back to me! Give him back!” She desperately begs for something she knows she can never have. Not anymore.

 

Levi notices how Erwin’s bright sapphire orbs dim with each cruel words hurled at him. Levi knows that _Erwin Smith_ will break down under all the pressure, will bend and snap beyond repair after so many years of living with the constant guilt and blame he carries.

 

 _Erwin Smith_ is a mere human with a heart, and with _feelings_.

 

 ** _Commander_** _Erwin Smith_ , however, keeps his humanity locked away in his already hollow heart, showing no mercy and hiding behind the façade of a vicious, ruthless man willing to throw innocent lives away for the sole purpose of winning. **_Commander_** _Erwin Smith_ tells _Erwin Smith_ to ‘stay inside, don’t come out until I say so, don’t show yourself to others’.

 

 ** _Commander_ **_Erwin Smith_ is a hypocrite, and Levi hates him for it.

 

“Bastard,” Levi says when they’re alone, away from the judgmental and condemnatory eyes of the people. “You could’ve just told them to leave you the fuck alone.”

 

“I’m afraid I can’t, Levi,” Erwin smiles while saying this, but it is just so painfully obvious that the smile doesn’t reach his sad eyes. “We are humanity’s hope, remember?”

 

Levi’s heart, the one that only beats faster for Erwin, clenches painfully at the bitter truth the words hold. He hates the Erwin who is all too willing to sacrifice his own humanity. Was it not Erwin who had told him to live for himself? Why is this man contradicting his own words?

 

Still, Levi trusts Erwin more than anything, and loves the man too much to let him go, so he lets Erwin cry on his shoulder on the night after they return from the tragic mission. Sadistic as it may sound, Levi loves seeing Erwin vulnerable like this; it reminds him that the person he had fallen helplessly in love with still _needs_ him. His left hand wraps around Erwin’s trembling back in a protective embrace, and his right runs through the blonde hair in a comforting gesture. After some time, the peaceful silence becomes a tad bit unbearable, so he plants a kiss on Erwin’s forehead and whispers softly into Erwin’s ears.

 

“It’s okay... I’m here for you.”

 

Erwin smiles, a real one this time, because he understands Levi’s unspoken words.

 

_I love you._

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at writing Eruri, so I'm not too sure if it's any good. But I have particularly strong Eruri urges today and I just had to get it out of my system.


End file.
